29. Carmageddon
II: Carpocalypse Now
Developer: Stainless Software
Publisher: SCI
Year: 1998
Format: PC
Carma
II remains one of the most purely fun
things I’ve ever played. That’s what
it’s there for, for fun. That’s what it
wants you to do, have fun. If it was a
stick of rock, the letters in the middle would read “FUN”. Admittedly they’d be written in blood, and
underlined with a bit of sinew, but there you are.
A racing game designed by a bloodthirsty
psychopath, Carma II drops you and a
bunch of rival racers into vast arenas – quarry, city, mountain village,
whatever. You have three ways to play:
race a race, with laps and checkpoints; attack your opponents, smashing their
cars to bits until you’re the only racer left standing; or kill every single
pedestrian in the level (there’s generally between 600 and 1,300). Every three levels or so you’re required to
do a mission that demands a more specific win criteria, but for the most part
you’re left to choose how to do things.
The
running-people-over mechanic was what gained Carmageddon its notoriety (and this sequel increased that by
switching from sprites to fully polygon peds, with detachable limbs and everything), but it’s the duels with
your opponents that really make the game sing.
Rather than just boring old race cars, everyone’s tooled up with all
sorts of spikes and whatnot, and later enemies go a bit more outlandish – my
favourite is the forklift that’s been converted into a mobile guillotine. This game was out around the time I was
watching Robot Wars on BBC2 –
incidentally, BRING BACK ROBOT WARS
RIGHT THE HELL NOW THAT SHIT WAS AMAZING – and playing it was the closest to
that brilliantly ridiculous mechanised combat you could get. 100mph dogfights across the sides of cliffs,
cars being crumpled into oblivion against walls or cut in half by utilising a
handy passing train. And that’s before
you add in the powerups – Mine Shitting, yes, Oil Slicks From Your Arse, why
not, but nothing beat the majesty of the Opponent Repulsificator. A great big spring with comedy “boing” noise
that sends your hapless foe flying for miles.
And at the end of the race, you got a “Wrecks Gallery” of all your vanquished
adversaries so you could see exactly how much you beat them up. Then you could buy their car. Glorious.
There’s an absolute ton of stuff I haven’t
mentioned. The various ped-changing
powerups. The outrageously brilliant
replay feature. The soundtrack, which
got me into Iron Maiden. The level near
the end that pays homage to The Blues
Brothers. The silly names of the
racers, and the fact that you got a little message telling you what the nearest
opponent was doing (“Racing to Checkpoint”, “Sworn to Destroy You”, “Shitting
Herself”). It was just sheer mad-eyed,
cackling fun from beginning to end.
MAGIC MOMENT: the aforementioned replay
feature, which allowed you to make incredibly detailed little movies from your
finest exploits.
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