A handy guide

I've just had this discussion with a friend via text message but I thought I'd save it here for posterity. When you've just come in from the pub:

Tea + toast + Lost in Translation = FUCK YEAH

Bye now to the mighty Zone

Wow, that was a laboured pun. Even for me.

I've never really been a PC gamer, it's just too much of a headache. However, round about the turn of the millennium I did give the concept a go. And during this brief period (round about mid 1998 to late 2000), I did what I always do when confronted with a new area of gamesplaying to navigate - I turned to a magazine. Said magazine was PC Zone.

I have read many a gaming mag in my years - some lasted one curious issue, others stayed with me for extended periods, as I eagerly snapped up each new edition. PC Zone fell into the latter category. It was, quite simply, a very fine read. Even though my PC of the time was too basic to run the majority of titles featured - it could just about manage Half-Life, but that was the extent - I got it every month for around 15-18 issues. (Actually, I decided to stop getting it one month and reversed the decision the next, with the result that I missed #71, which included the Half-Life review. That always niggled me.) It was simply a delight to devour, with every writer offering their own slant - it was the first magazine that showed me how each writer can have a very distinct voice - and great heaping helpings of articles and features that were interesting even if I had no intent of buying the games they were talking about. On a more practical level, the monthly demo discs were great, too.

I still have a couple of issues - and possibly a demo disc or two - floating about, and as such I'm sad to see that it's closing after 17 years. Farewell, Zone - you'll be missed.

Pundamentals

Today I have been watching series six of CSI: NY for a review. It never ceases to amaze me how this show can get writers who are capable of good, twisty (if usually ludicrous) plots and yet cannot write dialogue to save their collective lives. More than once this afternoon I've thought, "Oh my goodness s/he actually just said that," and I'm only four episodes in.

(The only instance I can think of off the top of my head is where a couple of guys are chasing a street hustler who's been doing a bit of three-card monte. When they catch him, one guy says, "Looks like it's time to fold." GROAN)

Also, everything must be explained at least three times for slower audience members. I think at one point they managed to explain a plot detail six times in forty seconds.

Living in the future, &c.

Every so often, the whole concept of Wi-Fi staggers me anew. I'm sitting in the front room Internetting it up on my new netbook with built in Wi-Fi, and it occurred to me that if you were to head back in time, say, twenty years, and explain how before long you'd be using tiny computers that could suck videos and information and music and stuff OUT OF THIN AIR you'd be burned as a witch.

...Although actually, thinking about it, it's only five years until Back to the Future II-time. Get a move on, hoverboard-developer-types, and so on.

Words

Broken Social Scene's album gives me an aural erection. I've had "World Sick" in my head all day and I love it. Discuss.

(You don't really have to discuss)

Also, my copy of I'm a Cyborg finally arrived today. It was quite good.

Now is the time to write on the blog

Oh god, that title is an old forum joke from about four years ago that about sixty people in the entire world will get. I'm such a nerd.

So yeah. I felt like writing on this but I didn't have a topic in mind so I figured I'd just start and see what happens.

Nothing, apparently.

I think I'm gonna try booting up the Dreamcast in a bit. I'm currently on my second model and I'm pretty sure it's dying. I want to see if I can't get a bit of Shenmue action in, though, I'm halfway through a playthrough. I think. Haven't touched the thing in months due to its nearing-death.

Random fact: did you know that The 5th Dimension, the old ride at Chessington World of Adventures, had a script written by Douglas Adams? Sadly I only ever got to go on it once, the very first time I went to Chessington, and it scared the life out of me and I kept my eyes shut most of the way round. I was five or six at the time, so hey.

Incidentally, I went to Thorpe Park a couple of weeks ago, and Saw The Ride? Brilliant. It's so much fun. While I love rollercoasters, a lot of them make me slightly queasy or, hey, scare me a bit. But Saw stands proud alongside the likes of Nemesis, Oblivion and Rita as being pure exhilarating joy.

*goes to check the post that just came through the door*

Goddammit Lovefilm, where's my copy of I'm a Cyborg, But That's OK? I got an email like last Thursday saying it had been posted and it hasn't turned up yet.

Okay I think I'm done blathering now. I might go watch an episode of Firefly or summat.

(Entire world: "NOBODY CARES")

Five great endings

Inspired by the fact that I've just been watching Lost in Translation, here are five great endings to things. Not necessarily the five best, but the fact that they're the first five to pop into my head probably counts for something.

5. Panzer Dragoon Saga

It may be twelve years old, but I still ain't gonna spoil it. It's probably on YouTube or something. What's brilliant is that it takes a staple occurrence of RPG gaming that happened right at the start of the game and that you no doubt forgot about and uses it to turn the entire plot on its head.

4. Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey

World peace is ushered in through the power of rocking out. Yes.

3. "Not Fade Away", the last episode of Angel

Angel's last series was its best and its last episode was arguably the best of that. I don't read the comic continuation because this episode ends it so wonderfully.

2. Lost in Translation

Well, yeah. It's the use of The Jesus and Mary Chain's "Just Like Honey" that does it, really.

1. The last strip of Calvin and Hobbes

Duh.

The question doesn't matter

Dinosaur Comics

The Bat Man

So I seem to be on a bit of a Batman kick at the moment. I've been fiddling about with the challenge mode in Arkham Asylum, I watched Batman Begins for the first time in yonks the other day and plan to follow it up with The Dark Knight soon, and last week I even dreamt I was the man himself.

I'm pretty sure this has been observed before now, but I reckon the two most likely villains to appear in Nolan's next Batpic will be the Riddler and Harley Quinn, due to the way that each villain is really being marked up as different sides of Bats' personality and/or modus operandi. Observe:

Begins had Scarecrow (fear) and Ra's al Ghul (deception). Both also involved symbolism.
Knight had Joker (theatricality) and Two-Face (dual identities). Both also involved madness.
The next one will have Riddler (intelligence) and Harley (obsession). Both also involve a certain "look-at-me" mentality.

Like I say, it's surely been pointed out before. But when it happens, I totally called it.

(Or alternatively the series will go off on a complete tangent and Man-Bat and Killer Moth will be the bad guys.)

Psychoville is brilliant

A friend lent me the DVD and I finished watching it earlier today and it's brilliant

And they're doing some more

yay

A list of films that I saw in the year 2009 and brief opinions on same

And you can't say fairer than that.

Inkheart

Good solid family fantasy in the Never Ending Story/Willow/other such '80s movies mould - not amazing, but decent entertainment. Also I read the book a few months later and the film's actually better. Worth a watch to see Andy Serkis really enjoy saying the phrase "duct tape".

Watchmen

Covered way back when - basically, not bad. A bit too beholden to the comic sometimes, but probably as good a movie as you could make out of the material without incurring too much fanboy wrath. Top marks to Billy Crudup, who essayed what must be one of the hardest roles in the history of everything brilliantly.

Let the Right One In

Excellent. Spooky, thoughtful, tender and atmospheric. And again, better than the book (although the fact that the original author wrote the screenplay probably helped there). A stunning pair of performances from the young leads.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

I basically only went to see this as an X-fan, expecting it to be fairly dire and SUPER-SERIOUS AND ANGSTY. Imagine my surprise and delight that everyone was more interested in being shamelessly over-the-top and silly. And did it have a bit where Hugh Jackman walked away from an explosion in slow motion? Yes, it did have a bit where Hugh Jackman walked away from an explosion in slow motion!

Coraline

Blimey, but this was a feast for the eyeballs. Being the first (and thus far, only) full-length film I've seen in 3D probably helped, but I kept having these moments where I'd admire a background detail then think "Someone made that." The atmosphere is impeccable, the soundtrack astonishing. My initial feeling was that the story was a little too simplistic, but on reflection I considered that it was deliberately positioning itself as a traditional fairy tale. Rewatchings on DVD also helped me pinpoint a few extra subtleties I'd missed the first time round. Basically, what I am saying is that this is an excellent film.

Star Trek

God bless you, JJ. You remembered that blockbusters used to be fun. This relentlessly entertaining romp kept me fully entertained in the most straightforward sense from beginning to end. And it had the best haircuts for extras in the history of anything ever.

I've Loved You So Long

Okay, so this isn't a 2009 film but I saw it in a cinema (well, my local arts centre) in 2009 and I hadn't seen it before so it counts. Fantastic acting all round, it might have been in with a shot of my favourite film of the year but for the plot, which seemed to be saying "Ha! Shocked you there!" when it was pretty obvious what was being led up to. Still superb, though.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

I found this passable enough when actually sitting in the cinema but upon reflection it was rubbish, wasn't it? Let's move on.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Otherwise known as David Yates Continues His Love Affair With The Colour Grey. Admittedly there was more point to the dour palette here than in Order of the Phoenix, but c'mon man. Anyway, it was all right in that special way that Harry Potter films have of being passable adaptations of books but fairly limp when it comes to being films in their own right.

(500) Days of Summer

Top stuff. Intelligently written and acted (top marks for protagonist Tom's descent into misery, where you feel bad for him but at the same time want to yell at him to stop being such a tit) with all sorts of brilliant inventive bits (the dance sequence, the split-screen party, the spoof of nouvelle vague that had me in absolute stitches). On a down note, I recognised several songs in the soundtrack but only own one of them, which means I'm not cool. Bah.

District 9

Very good, but not quite as good as the hype made out. An excellent performance from Sharlto Copley (who is apparently in the A-Team remake or something?) kept it grounded. Pun not really intended.

Creation

Excellent. Paul Bettany's central performance is surely worth an award nod or three, if not the awards themselves. Actually, everyone was fantastic in it. Some great sequences showing time-lapse nature, too.

Up

Another slightly over-hyped entry - I felt that the comedy and drama were superlative, but the action/adventure sections seemed tacked on and could quite easily have been junked. A slight disappointment, but only very slight. Doug is probably the best character in all the films of the year, though.

In the Loop

An exquisitely sharp wit, remarkably depressing, pretty much a failure when it comes to actually creating believable characters. Probably not the point for this sort of movie, admittedly, but I always find it hard to warm to films where you can't sympathise with at least one person.

Zombieland

Another one that I wasn't expecting much out of - probably a few good cheap laughs, inventive zombie-splotting, the end. A very nice surprise to find a witty, well-rounded comedy that satisfied on every level and leaves me wishing they'd hurry up and release the DVD already.

The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus

Yes, it got around Ledger's death smoothly, yes, it was very odd. And yes, surprisingly, Lily Cole gave a good performance. It did feel like a series of remarkable visual ideas searching for something more concrete, though.

9

Lovely look, good ideas, bit of a shame the script occasionally let it down. Not bad, but I imagine the short film that inspired it is probably better.

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Now this was great. Witty, charming, imaginative, and, as noted, had a stop-motion Jarvis Cocker in it. The scene where Mr. Fox and Badger's arguement devolves into snarling and claw-waving was quite possibly the funniest scene of the year. Loved the "cuss" stuff, as well, which was far funnier than it probably should have been.

Where the Wild Things Are

What an odd film. It captured that arbitrary logic of many kids' stories (by which I mean both stories for kids and stories by kids) exquisitely, and the monsters were remarkable. A flawless performance by the wonderfully-named Max Records as Max, too. Overall, good not great; very memorable, though. But seriously, how did Spike Jonze ever convince the suits to stump up the cash?

So, best film of the year? Well, it's a toss-up between Let the Right One In and Coraline. And frankly, I can't make my mind up (it was originally Swedish vampires quite comfortably, but DVD rewatchings of girl meeting scary Freudian monster has seen my opinion of it rise, and I haven't got round to rewatching Right One yet). We'll call it a draw for now.

Ten in 2010

I have that Bad Religion song pop into my head whenever I ponder next year. Too much time playing Crazy Taxi, obviously.

(Side note: there is no such thing as "too much time playing Crazy Taxi")

So I thought it would be a neat fit if I made a list of Ten things I am looking forward to in 2010. Do you see? Do you? Do you?

In no order beyond alphabetical!

Books

1. Scott Pilgrim vol. 6 by Bryan Lee O'Malley
Why should it rock? Because it is the last in the Scott Pilgrim series and the Scott Pilgrim series is one of the best things anyone has done ever.
Why might it suck? If the art gets any stubbier the characters may actually disappear. Also if there isn't a Mega Man-style boss rush where all the evil exes appear again I might cry.

Movies

2. Alice in Wonderland
Why should it rock? Because it is Tim Burton directing an adaptation of Alice in Wonderland. With Alan Rickman as the Caterpillar.
Why might it suck? Because there's a billion versions of it already. Also, it's a sort of "sequel" with a teenage Alice, which could potentially be quite interesting and also potentially be bloody awful. Plus American McGee did that already.

3. Ponyo
Why should it rock? Because it is Hayao Miyazaki's new film. Well, new-ish. I think the UK is about the only part of the world where it hasn't been released yet.
Why might it suck? It may not actually be good enough to cure cancer. I wouldn't bet on it, mind.

3. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Why should it rock? Because it is Edgar Wright directing all six books in one glorious go. His copious on-set photos have already proved that if nothing else it'll prove magnificent detail-spotting fun.
Why might it suck? Six books in two hours? Also, it may actually come out before the sixth book, which would cause all sorts of quandaries (although I seem to recall reading that the film has a different ending to the book).

4. Toy Story 3
Why should it rock? Because it is Toy Story 3. It's like Toy Story 2, plus one.
Why might it suck? The guys voicing Mr. Potato Head and Slinky Dog have both died since the last one (although you can't really tell from the trailer).

Video games

5. Bayonetta
Why should it rock? It looks very much being like the maddest game ever made. Considering it's the spiritual sequel to God Hand, this is saying something. (Quick rundown - you play a witch who wears a suit made out of her own hair and shoot angels with the guns you've got strapped to your boots.)
Why might it suck? It might not actually be fun to play. Although word from Japan seems to suggest the exact opposite.

6. Bioshock 2
Why should it rock? The first Bioshock is one of the best games I've ever played. The additions for the new game sound intriguing, but the main draw for me is simply getting to explore more of the underwater art deco dystopia of Rapture.
Why might it suck? It's being made by a different development team, and it's arguable that the first game didn't really need a sequel. Also, the Big Sister fights sound as though they may leave me a gibbering wreck on the floor.

7. Crackdown 2
Why should it rock? Crackdown plus one. All the new features announced thus far sound, to borrow the vernacular, sweet as.
Why might it suck? Again, it's being made by a different team. However, several of the original programmers have defected to this team, so the point may be moot.

8. Dead Rising 2
Why should it rock? It sounds like all the good bits of Dead Rising, minus the big helpings of rubbish idiocy that stopped it from actually being enjoyable.
Why might it suck? They may have kept the rubbish bits in and just not told us.

9. Ni-no-Kuni: The Another World
Why should it rock? It's an RPG from Level-5, the current can-do-no-wrong darlings of the gaming world. (Professor Layton and the recent Dragon Quests be theirs.) And they've teamed up with Studio Ghibli, who are doing the cutscenes and the general art design. I shall repeat that: Level-5 and Studio Ghibli have teamed up to make an RPG. Oh, and Joe Hisaishi's doing the music.
Why might it suck? I didn't really get on with Level-5's Rogue Galaxy. That's the best I can come up with on the downside. This game will fucking rock.

10. Tatsunoko vs. Capcom: Ultimate All-Stars
Why should it rock? I've got a soft spot for big crossover fighters. Despite the fact I've never heard of nearly all of Tatsunoko's output (they're a Japanese animation company, if you're wondering), the chance to pit Ryu against Viewtiful Joe is good enough for me.
Why might it suck? I don't think it will. I'm not looking for the sort of head-spinning brilliance I'm hoping the other things on this list will provide, merely silly, enjoyable entertainment. Which I suspect this will deliver on.

Dearie me

Those wacky Japanese-porn-comment-people are still at it. That post has got 56 comments now.

"So Bob, whatcha get me for Christmas?"

(adopts croaky voice) "I got you WEIRDNESS."

I'm confident that filming that video is the most fun any of the people in it have ever had.

Why you should see Fantastic Mr. Fox

Well, there are multiple reasons, like "it's a good film" and such. But the main reason is that there is a character in it called Petey. He's one of Farmer Bean's lackeys, and he's voiced by Jarvis Cocker.

And rather than make up his appearance, they just made the model look like Jarvis Cocker.

This is a film with a stop-motion Jarvis Cocker in it.

And yes, he's holding a banjo because he sings a song at one point. Then Michael Gambon (Bean) shouts at him.

Me and my friend Phil sincerely hope Jarvis was given the model after filming finished and it now adorns his mantlepiece.

We are two mariners

Dear ITV, I have an idea to help get you some more viewers. It is a spin-off of The X Factor, called The D Factor. Basically it is almost exactly like its parent show, except the "wannabe hopefuls" or whatever they are called are only allowed to sing Decemberists songs.

This would work because a) it would be hilarious and b) I would watch it, so you're guaranteed a whole extra viewer. I feel the concept of a wild-eyed seventeen-year-old girl singing the entirety of "The Mariner's Revenge Song" in the time-honoured overblown-Mariah-Carey-style, caught in the glow of ten million lights, sweat trickling on her brow as Simon Cowell, Thingy and Whatsit furrow their brows and say, "Hmm", is one that quite frankly you owe humanity.

On a completely unrelated note, does anyone know if the "http" actually stands for anything?

Ten Celebrities Who Would Clearly Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

I went to see Zombieland with a friend last night, it was extremely entertaining and comes recommended for those of you who like jokes and the sight of Woody Harrelson beating up a zombie with a banjo. On the way back we started compiling a list of, you guessed it, Ten Celebrities Who Would Clearly Survive the Zombie Apocalypse. We got to about 5 and I have taken it upon myself to fill in the rest.

In no partickerlar order:

Willie Nelson
Why? Because he is a hardcore fellow of the sort you suspect would nut the Grim Reaper if they were to meet on a dark corner one night. Also Harrelson's character mentioned liking his music in the film so he was obviously looming large in our minds.
Preferred method of zombie execution: Guitar over the head.

Lemmy
Why? It is a well-documented fact that Lemmy is indestructible.
Preferred method of zombie execution: Bass guitar over the head. Jack Daniel's-composed molotov cocktail for "afters".

Keith Richards
Why? See Lemmy.
Preferred method of zombie execution: Retreat up palm tree, hurl coconuts at incoming hordes.

Iggy Pop
Why? See Lemmy and Keith Richards.
Preferred method of zombie execution: Distract ravenous undead with ill-advised car insurance adverts. Use momentary advantage to bodily hurl a skinhead Ewan McGregor at them.

Max Brooks
Why? He wrote The Zombie Survival Guide. Presumably he would lead humanity, John Connor-style.
Preferred method of zombie execution: To paraphrase the book (it's been a long time since I flicked through it and I don't have a copy to hand) - "Blades don't need reloading".

Simon Pegg
Why? When you're writing articles for the Guardian on how zombies work, you know you know your stuff. I'd guess he'd act as Brooks' loyal deputy.
Preferred method of zombie execution: Cricket bat.

Sarah Michelle Gellar
Why? Years and years and years of beating up everything that California's effects guys can throw at her. This can be applied to any female star of one of Joss Whedon's shows, really. And Milla Jovovich.
Preferred method of zombie execution: Kick their heads off.

Russell Crowe
Why? He's a hard nut, innee?
Preferred method of zombie execution: Projectile telephone. Are we not entertained, etc, etc.

Judi Dench
Why? Even a zombie wouldn't lack decorum to such an extent as to try it on with Dame Judi.
Preferred method of zombie execution: Beat them to a pulp with an Oscar.

Christian Bale
Why? He's the Goddam Batman.
Preferred method of zombie execution: Terrifying rage.

Things I Have Done In Scribblenauts In The Few Hours Since I Bought It

# Tried to spawn Shakespeare, been disappointed (it seems the only famous person is if you rickroll - Einstein gives you a generic scientist, all others I've tried have yielded nothing)
# Discovered that a priest with a nunchuk can beat up Ra with surprising ease
# Found that a liger can beat a tiger
# Been absolutely delighted that manticores and chimeras can be summoned
# Been even more delighted that Behemoth and Leviathan actually give you Behemoth and Leviathan rather than generic monsters
# Tried to get Queen Elizabeth I and ended up with a female zombie, presumed it was deliberate
# Found kappas, tanuki (as in the mythological version rather than raccoon dogs), red caps and hobgoblins (although "hobgoblin" gives you the same as "orc" so I guess that doesn't really count)
# Formed a crimefighting team of me on a stegosaurus, a scientist on a camel and God on a zebra
# Found that if you type "pine marten" you get a wolverine - okay, same group of animals, but they ain't that alike... (ferret, stoat and weasel all give you a basic mustelid model)
# Ridden a narwhal
# Stuck a badger to a queen's hand with some glue
# Done some levels

Everybody's supersonic racing

So, a new 2D HD Sonic game for next year? I am intriguéd. And because everyone on the Internet already has fifty-seven opinions on it, here am I to offer what I would like to see.

• Really fancy sprites. Work for the HD tag. I want Vanillaware-level quality here. I was, in fact, playing Sonic Advance 2 the other day and I decided that I prefer Sonic in sprites to polygons. Apparently I am retro.
  
• Extra characters, but keep 'em leashed. I happen to rather like the ridiculously huge supporting cast, but let's just have them popping up in little cameos most of the time. Maybe have Tails tagging along behind Sonic, Sonic 2/3-style, but have any other characters non-playable and limited. Let's see Knuckles, Amy, Cream, Big, Omega, maybe Rouge, the Chaotix and possibly Blaze and Marine for the heck of it. Oh, and revive Mighty, Fang/Nack and Bark. No brand-new characters though.
  
• Eggman is the main villain. No "henchman suddenly takes control" again. Although from what I can gather they already did that in Unleashed, but I haven't played that.
• Proper badniks. By "badniks" I mean "robots that look like animals and when you bop 'em little animals come out". None of this generic humanoid stuff, it's just not as aesthetically interesting. (Honourable exception for the steampunk robots from Rush Adventure's Machine Labyrinth.)
• Zones and acts. It still feels odd not popping "Zone" on the end of a Sonic level.
• Less running, more platforming. Using momentum more, like back in The Good Old Days. Spin Dash and rolling about, baby.
• Music by Hideki Naganuma or Richard Jacques. Either is acceptable. Or both.
• Get seven Chaos Emeralds, become Super Sonic. From what I can recall, you haven't been able to be Super Sonic in any old level since Sonic 3 & Knuckles. Tut.
  
• Metal Sonic. Metal Sonic is cool.
  

Concerning women member increase

So the other day I noticed that this post had suddenly got a few comments, and they were all in Japanese. "Huh," I thought. "Well, I guess it is about a giant robot suit, and them crazy Japanese folks do love their giant robot suits."

Then today I noticed it had grown to 8 comments, and investigated further.

Here's a Babelfish translation.

Yup, it's porn. Like giant robot suits? You sure will love naked Japanese ladies!